Getting to that point where I just wanna say “fuck it” again. Things never change; they may seem like they do but it’s all fake. It’s temporary bull shit to keep us happy for a little while so we don’t completely give up. But instead of running away for the umpteenth time I need to stand my ground and fix things. Maybe if I try really hard to make some changes they will actually stay with me instead of reverting back to how they are really just set to be; instead of following the continual pattern of misery (can’t decide if that’s too strong of a word or not) that my life seems to be obsessed with taking.
of the people at my work. In particular the guys. I am forced to work with abunch of idiots. Ages 14-18…worst age group in the world. I don’t know how high school teachers do it. They are literally some of the dumbest kids I have ever met in my entire life. And I have to listen to the same old mindless drivel the guys dish up everyday. I can feel my IQ dropping day by day. The same old disgusting jokes that they crack constantly, and then after they think they’ve “burned” me by calling out something wrong with yet another one of my body parts they then have to share a congratulatory fist bump with one another. And yet, when I do something “mean” back I’m branded the bitch. (Yeah, I’M the bitch, after I listened to this one asshole talk about how he might have knocked this girl up..and if he did he was joking about how he was going to stick a clotheshanger up her vag and kill the baby..I feel terrible just writing this down). I hate this place. I want out so badly. Just have to make it through december when I get my huge christmas bonus. Until then, must find a way to keep sane.
today consisted of:
bad hair day
buying razors that i thought were 5 dollars that turned out to be ten dollars
sitting in rush hour traffic
getting honked at
accidentally driving over a curb in front of a ton of people
not succeeding in getting my passport again
sleeping in way too late
dealing with bitchy employees who should be fired from their jobs
losing one of my favorite earrings
having to find out that i have to take my car to the shop because there’s something wrong with my brakes (of all things) gee i wonder how much that will cost me
my friend ditching me again
finding out that i will not see the guy i like afterall tomorrow (i was hoping to talk to him for the first time in months..thinking things might take a turn for the better if he actually saw me)
my mom trapping me in the house because she will not let me drive anywhere in my car (although i shouldn’t complain because she’s just trying to protect me ugh)
my dad not getting back to me once again
my sister is still being a huge bitch
sneering looks from girls as i walked by in a store today (i just really didn’t need that)
dropping my headphones in my cats’ litterbox
i’m tired of constantly having to be on my best behavior just so guys stick around. it’s like as soon as they catch one flaw of mine they take off
I’m trapped in my own mind. I can’t seem to escape all the thoughts I have.
I’m trapped in my own body. I can’t breathe underwater or fly or turn invisible when I want to. I don’t have much strength at all. Forget about any coordination. Sickness or disease could come any day and kill me.
I’m trapped in my own house; I’m almost never allowed out of it.
And when I am, I’m trapped in my own world. For instance, it would be nice to go out for a walk by myself. But I can’t. Even in the safe place I live in, it’s still not safe. Society today cannot be trusted, especially if you’re a woman
so i was already having a pretty shitty past couple of days
and now..at 3 in the morning, i’m in my room with the door closed, dancing to a kesha song in my new bikini (you know, having one of those “power moments”) and looking in the mirror trying to pretened like i’m hot shit, and jus having fun
then in just walks my mother, and tells me to go to bed, and she won’t close my door and just stares at me up and down as my ego curls into a tiny little, shivering ball
i’m gonna hear it tomorrow
especially considering my mom doesn’t really laugh at stuff like that, she just think it’s weird beyond belief since she has no fun herself like that
i am literally crying from embarrassment right now
i hate this
i don’t know why im so uspset
whatever, first world problems
still makes me wanna kill myself
i hate me right now
i swear, when i’m hanging out with people, whether it be my family, friends or co workers, if i get that look again, where someone wants to show a person something or tell them something, and they turn around and it’s me, and they get disappointed and say “oh”…if i get that one more fucking time anytime soon…i’m going to scream. just stand there and scream. i ALWAYS get that. i mean, people like me and all, they want to have me around most of the time, but i’m constantly the second choice. i’m that person/girl/friend/sister/daughter/employee that is always looked over; no one likes me the best ever. this is partly why i’ve slowly started trying over the past several months. it’s really starting to sink in now. i’m so mediocre it kills me. i suppose i could be better if i tried, but what’s the point?
ok, so there’s this bar that moved in the shopping center right behind my house and every night for the past 2 years, it plays music so loud we can hear the bass thumping in our own goddamn house. and tonight it’s the loudest it’s ever been; i can actually hear it in my room, which is located at the front of the house. i feel like i’m a fetus again inside my mom and i can hear her heartbeat. except it’s not that soothing. it’s obnoxious. anyway, so its keeping me up and i have to get up at 6 am tomorrow (today) for an 8 hour shift, after an 8 hour shift today after geting about 4 hours of sleep last night. FUCK MY LIFE.
i had a religion teacher in 8th grade that told me on numerous occassions “if you pray but don’t go to church, or vice-versa, you have one foot in hell and the other on a banana peel” and yet he said “NEVER say who Jesus will send to heaven or hell, Hitler may be in heaven, you never know”
yeah ok, so hitler has a possibility of being in heaven, but since i almost never go to church, i’m going to hell
this is why catholocism to me, is one of the most hypocritical religions out there.
i really am considering not being a catholic eventually. it truly drives me up a wall sometimes.